The Scarlet Titan
by the lone psychopath
Summary: what happens when the titans perform The Scarlet Letter. TOTAL INSANITY... includes adultry, an extremly evil villian, and a possessed evil little girl. Unlike the book this has no moral. Better than it sounds.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: We had to read The Scarlet Letter in English class. A brief summary of the book, it's about a HUGE scandal, a really evil villain and a possessed child, all taking place during Puritan times in Boston. If you're reading the book in school now, don't do your book report off this because you probably will fail, read the spark notes.

--All casting was done by Slade--

"This isn't fair!" Robin said, "how come Slade gets to do the casting?"

"Because I rock," he said, "Ok we all know Chillingworth and Pearl are the only cool people in the book. I'm Chillingworth, Raven's Pearl because she can turn into a three year old. Robin's Dimmesdale, Starfire can be Hester, Beast Boy and Cyborg can narrate."

"Hey!" B.B said, "I don't wanna be the stupid narrator!"

"To bad. Here are your scripts," Slade gave out scripts, "learn your lines by next week or die."

* * *

**Ye Olde Cast**

Starfire - Hester Prynne (lady who committed adultery, Hawthorne has a lot of respect for her I do not)

Raven - Pearl (Hester's possessed child, the coolest character)

Robin - Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale (lame loser, always holding his heart)

Slade - Chillingworth (Hester's husband, the super creepy evil villain, extremely cool. deformed shoulder)

Beast Boy and Cyborg - the narrators

* * *

One week later on opening day…

Beast Boy: Ok, a MAD long time ago, WAAAY BACK WHEN!

Cyborg: There were all of these super religious Puritans in Boston, and there was this lady named Hester. She was married to a mad ugly old dude-

"AHEM!" Slade yelled from backstage.

Beast Boy: Ok, so her husband told her to go to Boston and that he would meet her there when he finished up on his business cuz he was some smart business scholar doctor dude. Then Hester bangs some guy, she gets pregnant and then everyone knows that she committed…

**DUN DUN DUNNNNN…**

B.B and Cyborg: …ADULTRY! _((Lighting and thunder strike))_

* * *

Starfire walks out of the prison door holding a baby (Raven has shrunken herself down to age one) everyone is staring at her. The baby is covering the scarlet letter she was sentenced to wear for life. Then she realized there was no point in covering it, stepped onto the scaffold public shaming place thingy. And then she sees….

Slade walks in, one of his shoulders is higher than the other, "Who is that woman?" he asked a guy next to him.

"Starfire, her husband is away and she cheated on him." The guy said.

"Hmm…" Slade thought to himself, "I really shouldn't mention that I am her husband for various reasons, the first one being if the dirtbag who slept with her doesn't know who I am, I can easily get my revenge," then he spoke, "So who fathered the child?"

"We don't know she won't tell us."

"Then do a DNA test!"

"Sir, those don't exist yet."

"Damn."

* * *

Beast Boy: Later that night… in the prison!

* * *

Starfire is sitting there with her baby, when Slade walks in. He has told everyone that his name is well Slade (A/N: Let's just pretend that he has another name. I didn't want to make him take on an alias, it'd make things confusing)

"Hello Starfire," Slade said and he took out some medicine, "for the child-"

"Don't take revenge on an innocent bumgorpf!" Starfire said.

"Me no bumgorf!" Raven said and hit Starfire with her rattle, "Me is little Raven, me has name!"

"The baby… Raven did nothing to me; I want to get the baby's father." Trigon pops outta nowhere.

"You wanted to get who?" Trigon asked.

Pause.

"The actor portraying her father and not you! I mean really, am I the only one here with more brain cells than the volume of a penny?" Trigon glared at him and then walked away. "I should've known this would've happened. I couldn't have kept you happy; I'm what, ten to twenty years older than you are? Promise not to tell anybody who I am."

"I promise." Starfire said, Slade gave the baby some medicine then he left.

* * *

Cyborg: Then they sent in one of the ministers to try and get Starfire to tell who fathered he kid, he failed.

Beast Boy: And now we go three years… into the FUTURE! _Let's do the time warp again! It's just a jump to the left and then a step-_((starts doing the Time Warp, then Cyborg grabs his shirt and throws him off the stage))

Cyborg: Starfire had been making money by embroidering and sewing. She was living in a little isolated cottage with Raven… who's three now by the way.

* * *

"Mommy," Raven said, "who is my daddy?"

"We are all children of the Heavenly Father." Starfire said.

"He did not bring me! I have no Heavenly Father!"

Starfire gasped, "Thou must not say such things! Who are you?"

"I am your little Raven."

"Thou art not an evil monster imp-child in disguise?"

"I am your little Raven, mommy. Who is my daddy?"

"Come little Raven, let us make journey to the house of the governor so that we may deliver his gloves." They walked outside; some kids saw them and started making fun of them. Then Raven started throwing dirt at them, screaming and chasing them around. Eventually they got to the governors house.

"Hello." Batman said, "You have my gloves?"

"Yes I do." Starfire handed him the gloves.

"Ok, let's cut to why we're really here. Robin, get your arse out here," Robin walked into the room, "do we let her keep the child?"

"You will not take my bumgorf from me!"

"I believe that's for us to decide. I say we take the girl, she'll be better off being raised by a better family."

"Lookie!" Raven said, she pointed at armor. It had magnified the A on Starfire's bosom greatly, Starfire freaked and shot starbolts at it in attempt to destroy it, it was reflected out the window, then it hit Speedy while he was walking down the street. He was knocked unconscious.

"Robin, what say you?"

"Um…" Robin said holding his heart (A/N: The guy has medical problems), "She should keep her as it is a reminder of her sin."

"People think the girl is possessed she'd be better off with someone else."

"She could be a chance for Starfire to redeem herself by raising the child well."

"Ok," Batman agreed, "little Raven, where did you come from?"

Raven stared at him for about a minute. Then she said, "I was plucked from the rosebush outside the prison door!" then she fell on the floor laughing at him while he glared at Starfire.

* * *

Beast Boy: If you think Raven's creepy now just wait until you see her in the graveyard!

Cyborg: In the meantime, Slade and Robin have become friends. Slade's a doctor; Robin has medical problems so now they're living together. Slade also has been sensing a disturbance in the force, something is not right.

* * *

Slade has just walked inside; he has some weeds with him and is cutting them up to make some medicine.

"Where did you get those weeds?" Robin asked, holding his heart.

"The prop room you arrogant fool! Where else would I get them?"

"Uh… an unmarked grave."

"Yes an unmarked grave," Slade said, "grew straight up from the man's black sinful heart. He maybe oh, even… **_slept with a man's wife_**?"

"Well _I _didn't do anything like _that_ so _that_ has no affect on me."

"Hey look out there," Slade pointed to the grave yard. Starfire and Raven were there. Raven was skipping on the graves, then she found one she liked and stared dancing on it. Then she picked up some burrs and decorated Starfire's "A" with them. Then she went back to doing the moonwalk on a grave, "think Starfire is happier now that she wears the "A" she lives in shame but not guilt."

"Maybe." Glare

Glare.

Glare.

Glare.

"Am I going to get better?"

"It's more of a spiritual disease. I can't help you until you _tell me what you did_."

"Why do you think I did something?"

"I don't know, _did you?_"

"Well maybe I didn't do anything."

"I think that you did."

"And I think that I didn't"

"How do you know that I know that I think you did?"

"Maybe I do maybe I don't. Do you know?"

"I don't know that's why I'm asking you!"

"Well maybe I won't give you an answer."

"Well maybe you should."

"And maybe I shouldn't."

"Fine maybe you didn't commit adultery!"

"And maybe I did-" pause, "n't commit adultery."

"You so did."

"I…" Robin falls asleep due to a potion Slade made.

"Finally," Slade opens Robin's shirt and sees something, he then started to laugh evilly. (A/N: Hawthorne doesn't tell us what he saw…. I will assume it was a bunny)

Meanwhile Raven was running away from Starfire waving her arms in the air while Starfire chased after her, "The Black Man has Pastor Robin in his grip and he's going to catch mommy too if she doesn't keep up but he'll never catch little Raven! Hehehehe!"

A/N: That's all for the first chappie, next chapter we get to see why Dimmesdale is truly a loser and some more of Pearl the coolest possessed child ever! Please review, I do not care if you flame, all flames will be used to burn meat on a spit.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks to the awesome people who reviewed!

**Chitoryu12 **

**TheKidFromTheSouth**

**KGdiva**

**Carolyn Carissa Sydnie**

**BBfan4evah**

**Blue Wallpaper**

**IwuvMyKenshyPoo**

* * *

Cyborg: Incase you haven't figured it out by now, Starfire cheated on Slade with Robin. 

Beast Boy:_ ((gasp))_ SHE DID! YOU RUINED THE ENDING!

Cyborg: That's not the ending. Anyway Robin's been feeling extremely guilty so he's been whipping and starving himself. He also thinks he's an even worse person because he thinks Slade is out to get him. And in all of his sermons he tells everyone he's not perfect and that he does horrible things, then they only like him even more.

Beast Boy: All the old peeps liked him and a lotta babes hit on him too! But he's still a wimp, so what does he do? Goes on the scaffold, in the middle of the night when nobody's gonna see him.

* * *

Robin walks onto the scaffold, then he screams so everyone will wake up and see him. Nobody went to see what it was, the people who were awake were with Batman because he was dieing. A few minutes later Starfire and Raven showed up. 

"Starfire and little Raven come here. You were both here before but I wasn't with you, now we'll stand together." Starfire walked up the steps, holding Raven's hand then Robin took Raven's other hand.

"Minister?" Raven asked.

"Yes"

"Will you stand here tomorrow with us come noontide?" she grinned evilly.

"No, not tomorrow another day." Raven burst out laughing, tried to run away but Robin held her hand.

"But you will promise to stand here tomorrow with Mommy and me come noontide?"

"No child, I will on Judgment Day." Raven started laughing again and grinned evilly. Then she pointed down the street. A meteor fell in the sky in the shape of the letter "A" Robin froze in fear, then he saw Slade standing in the middle of the street, "Who is that man Starfire, he scares me, I know you know who he is!"

"I can't tell you." Starfire said sadly.

"I know who he is," Raven said with an evil grin.

"Tell me." Robin said. Raven whispered a bunch of nonsense to him, "Are you mocking me?" Raven started laughing again and evilly said,

"You weren't brave, you weren't true, you wouldn't promise to stand here with Mommy and me tomorrow at noontide!" she fell on the floor with laughter.

"Hello, Robin, Starfire, little possessed child." Slade said, "Why are you here?" Robin and Starfire stared at him blankly, Raven was on the floor laughing, "Batman just kicked the bucket; they're saying the "A" stands for angel." Robin gave a sigh of relief, "although I think otherwise," Robin nervously ran away. Starfire left with Raven who was still laughing uncontrollably.

* * *

B.B: Time to fast forward four more years into the future! (starts doing the time warp) _Let's do the time warp again! It's just a jump to the left and then a step to the right, put your hands on your hips and-_ (Cyborg knocked him off the stage) 

Cyborg: Anyway, Raven is now seven years old and Starfire has decided to tell Slade to leave Robin alone. Over the past four years he's been using Robin's guilt to sorta kill his soul… it's very confusing, read the spark notes.

B.B: So Starfire has also been doing good things for charity and stuff and they're starting to say the "A" stands for "able"

* * *

Starfire and Raven walk to the beach, they see that Slade is there. 

"Go and play." Starfire said to Raven. Then Raven ran to the water, Starfire walked up to Slade. He was busy finding plants to make more medicine, then she spoke to him, "Hello Slade,"

"Starfire,"

"So how is life?"

"Why are you talking to me?"

"Why are you talking to me?"

"Because you spoke to me first, what is the point of this!"

"I don't know maybe it has no point."

"Then I'll go about my business."

Pause.

"I want you to leave Robin alone! You have been very mean to him and that is not nice."

"Yes, were you going to realized that I'm the evil villain now or later?"

"Leave Robin alone."

"I'm now certain that he helped you commit adultery! Now I can really eat away at his pathetic soul. MUHAHAHAHA!" he walked away laughing evilly.

"My adultery wasn't a sin," she thought to herself, "the real sin was him somehow convincing me to marry him! Damn his money and lands… I hate him. I don't care if it's a sin, I hate him, I want him to die and then I will laugh when my daughter dances on his grave!"

Cut to Raven. While Starfire and Slade were talking she had taken a jellyfish and laid it out on the sand to die, she put a horseshoe crab on top of it, and then she put seaweed and shells on herself pretending to be a mermaid. After that she made an A for herself to wear out of seaweed, knowing Starfire would question it. Then she picked up some small rocks and threw them at the seagulls and even hit a few. Finally she ran back to Starfire.

"Why do you have that on your bosom? Do you know what it means?"

"No, nobody tells anything to little Raven! She has to figure out things for herself! Little Raven is the only smart person in this even though she is smaller than all of you! You have the "A" on your bosom and the minister always holds his heart. Does he have a scarlet letter too?"

"You shouldn't be asking such things." She took the A and the rest of the seaweed off of Raven. "Come, we shall walk in the woods."

"Why does the minister always hold his heart? And why do you always have the "A" on your bosom?"

Starfire didn't answer she started to walk into the woods, Raven followed. After a while they came to a part where the sun was shining, Starfire was in the shade, Raven started to dance in the sun.

"I can catch the sun," Raven said, "it does not hide from me because I don't have an "A" on my bosom yet!"

"And hopefully you never will!"

"How do you know? Maybe I will when I am a grown up! The sun hides from you mommy, it is afraid of the "A" on your bosom!" Starfire put out her hand, and immediately the sun faded. Raven started to laugh. They came to a brook and sat down.

"Mommy," Raven asked, "who is the Black Man?"

"Where did you hear about him?"

"Mistress Terra says that he is in the forest and he carries a book and that when you sign it he puts a red letter on you and that the "A" you wear on your bosom is his mark and that she wants to meet him."

"Don't listen to such things." she saw Robin walking slowly, he was looking down in shame, looking as miserable, sick and guilty as he normally did, "go and play by the brook little Raven."

"Is that the Black Man walking along yonder road?"

"No!" Starfire said in shock, "That is the minister!"

"Ohh... Does he hold his heart because the Black Man left his mark there? He has a scarlet letter too! Just like mommy! Am I right? Is that why he hold his heart?"

"Go and play." Raven ran off, "Hello Robin…"

* * *

Beast Boy: And now it is time for the boring lovey part. 

Cyborg: Skip ahead to the next narration if you want to be spared.

* * *

"Starfire…" Robin sat down next to her. 

"I need to tell you who Slade is…" pause, "my husband."

"I knew it! And all this time I thought it was the Black Man tempting me into my hatred of him! This is your fault! You tempted me into sin and-"

"Robin, I did not give the child to myself!"

"You seduced me! I'm never forgiving you, you temptress!" Starfire didn't want to hear anymore of this so she grabbed Robin and shoved his head onto her "A"

"I'm sorry I had to get you to stop." She let him go. Robin was now twitching.

"Temptress!" he pointed at her and slowly walked away backwards, "Temptress!" he tripped over a rock, Starfire helped him up.

"You will forgive! Let God punish!" Moment of silence

"I forgive you. Well, it's not like my sin was as bad as Slade's… he's trying to destroy my soul."

"Yes, that's far worse than adultery."

"I still feel guilty, you've had to wear that for seven years and they did nothing to me."

"Then confess."

"I can't do that, I have the lamest character in the book!"

"Then change your name and run away somewhere, start a new life."

"I've wanted to do that… but I don't want to go alone."

"You won't." End whatever chapter this scene was in.

* * *

Beast Boy: Those rotten jerks! They wanna elope and they haven't even mentioned little Pearl! 

Cyborg: Tsk, tsk.

B.B: I mean Pearl is the only cool person in the book, Hester and Dimmesdale suck! (A/N: Pearl is the only thing that got me through this book and she's the reason I'm writing this parody)

* * *

Starfire took off the "A" and threw it on the ground, she took off her bonnet and let out her hair, "We can finally be a family! You will get to know Raven." 

"I have always wanted to but… she frightens me. She is one creepy child!"

"Yes but I am sure she will love you, she has never had a father," she looked down the brook, "little Raven! Come hither!"

Raven ran and then started walking slowly; she had put flowers in her hair and had played with the animals while Starfire and Robin were talking.

"Awww… she is adorable!"

"She looks just like a little faerie." Robin said. Then Raven was there on the other side of the brook, she pointed to where the letter was.

"Come here Raven,"

Raven pointed to the letter.

"Raven,"

Raven started to cry and scream and jump around. She continued to point at the letter. She threw things, kicked the water at them, screamed some more all while pointing at the letter.

"I told you she was creepy!" Robin said, "How can you get her to stop?" Starfire sighed and put the letter and her bonnet back on. Raven happily ran across the brook to Starfire. Raven kissed Starfire's cheek then kissed the scarlet letter a few times and hugged it.

"I guess wearing this for a few more days couldn't hurt. I'll get rid of it for good on the ship back to Europe."

Raven stared at Robin; Robin tried to be nice to Raven and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Raven immediately ran to the brook washed the kiss off and splashed some water on Robin.

"So we'll leave for Europe tomorrow," Robin said, "after my Election Day sermon." Starfire nodded and smiled, "Raven hates me doesn't she?"

"She just hasn't gotten to know you." Raven stuck her tongue out at Robin.

* * *

A/N: Next chapter is the last one. If this has for some odd reason gotten anyone to voluntarily want to read this book… skip the first chapter "The Custom House" it's about 40 pages of boring crap that has nothing to do with the story. Please review people! 


	3. Raven gets all da money!

A/N: Thanks for all of your reviews!

**Blue Wallpaper**

**KGdiva**

**Liobit**

**TTFAN**

**notexactlyagoddess**

**BBfan2evah**

Here are answers to a few questions, Hester can just take the "A" off but she's a very strong courageous person taking it off kinda goes against her personality. And yes Raven is crazy, Pearl is a crazy imp-child. She's actually very smart for her age and is purposely doing weird things because she doesn't know who her father is, no one tells her anything.

* * *

Cyborg: After his saying he's running away with Starfire thing, Robin's character totally changed he felt happier, better and he wasn't sick anymore. Raven didn't really even scare him as much. Then he ran happily home but he was tempted to do several bad things on the way…

* * *

Robin is walking home and sees a group of kids fighting, "What a lovely innocent group of children. How many swear words should I teach them so they can fight properly? No… no…" he thought to himself. Then he saw an old lady, "I wonder what her reaction would be if I told her that religion is all BS and that heaven doesn't exist? Oh God, Satan is making me think this isn't he?" Then he saw one of the young virgins that had hit on him several times before, "She likes me… maybe she wouldn't mind coming over to my place tonight," he grinned evilly as he thought this, "and I can always use force- No!" he turned away, "You learned from the first time, NO MORE ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN!" he paused, "Woah… I just resisted all of those temptations… YES!" he ran to his house and said as he walked in, "No more medicine Slade!" he ran to his quill and ink and started writing his sermon.

"And why is this?" Slade asked.

"I feel… so… happy and healthy! It's the best I've ever felt in my life!"

"Ok… somebody's been taking too much Zoloft."

* * *

_**The Next Day, at the Election Day Parade…**_

Everyone has noticed that Robin looks way happier and healthier. Then Raven asked Starfire, "Mommy is that the same minister who kissed me in the forest and held my hand?"

"We do not speak of things that we do in the forest!" Starfire said.

"Maybe I should run up to him and give him a kiss then maybe he will know me."

"You are not to do that!"

Terra was dropped in front of Raven, then B.B said in a fake high voice behind Terra.

"Little Raven, your father is the Black Man! Let's go riding brooms and then we can practice witchcraft and be great friends!"

* * *

Cyborg: Three months from now they hang her for being a witch. Just letting ya know.

* * *

Raven shrugged and started to run around the market place. Starfire was happily thinking about running away with Robin and getting rid of the scarlet letter for good. Then she over heard a sailor talking,

"Nobody's getting sick on this ship! We have the naval surgeon and Slade the doctor in the town! WOOT!"

Starfire froze in shock, she saw Slade grinning evilly at her, then she realized that everyone was staring at her.

* * *

Beast Boy: That's what they get for not mentioning Pearl when they were deciding to elope!

Cyborg: But they are taking her.

Beast Boy: Yeah, but she was the last thing on their minds!

Cyborg: Back to the story.

* * *

While Robin was giving his sermon, Raven was running around. Then a sailor called her over,

"Hey you, I have a message for your mother,"

"I will tell her it if it is to my liking," Raven said.

"Tell your mother that the doctor said he's bringing his friend with him, witch-baby."

Raven laughed at him, "Mistress Terra says that my father is the Prince of the Air. If you call me that mean name, I will tell him to send storms and sea monsters after your ship."

"Is someone being mean to you my little darling?" Trigon asked.

"This man is saying not nice things to little Raven!" Trigon glared at the sailor, the sailor ran away. Then Raven ran to Starfire in zigzags across the market place.

Starfire was listening to Robin's sermon; everyone thought it was his best one yet. Then Robin noticed Starfire and Raven, paused, took a deep breath and then said,

"Starfire, Raven, come," he walked onto the scaffold, Starfire and Raven followed.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Slade yelled in slow motion as he tried to stop them, "Don't ruin your reputation Robin! Don't do it! NOOOOOO!" he tripped over a rock.

"Fate has led me to this moment," Robin said resting his head on Starfire's shoulder, (he was getting a little sick again), everyone was in complete and total shock. Slade was very pissed off, now that Robin got rid of his guilt he had no way to get his revenge. Robin stood up straight and continued, "That's right, I DID IT!" he ripped open his shirt, revealing the mark, some said it was an "A" he inflicted on himself, some said Slade's potions caused it to appear and some said guilt caused it to come up from his heart, and some people said nothing was there at all, "Nobody is perfect, everyone has a scarlet letter. No one's perfect!" he collapsed, "Little Raven… _my_ little Raven, I'm your father, will you give me a kiss?"

Raven gave him a kiss on the cheek, acknowledging that he was her father, the book said that after this she could live as a normal person, which ticked me off very much. But this is a parody and I can do what I want! Pearl does not go normal in my version!

"Goodbye Starfire."

"Will we be together in the afterlife," Starfire got down to Robin's level and whispered this to him, "we suffered so much and God is merciful-"

"He is, but the final decision rests in God. We must obey His word." Robin died, Slade was cursing under his breath in every language known to man and several known to monkeys.

* * *

Beast Boy: That's the end? That frikkin sucked! Dimmesdale dies… (glares) wait a minute, Dimmesdale dies! YES!

Cyborg: The End.

* * *

The curtains closed.

"No!" Raven (still age seven) ran onto the stage, "it's not over yet! I have to tell you what happens to me. After my real daddy died pretty soon Slade died too and he left all of his property and money to me! And then I grew up and married a rich nobleman in Europe. Then he died and I gots all of his money and became even richer! Pearl gets all the money!" she grinned evilly, "The End."

Starfire came onto the stage and said, "She's forgetting about how Hester and Dimmesdale romantically shared the same stone of heads with the letter "A" on it after Hester died." She sighed

"Nobody cares about you and daddy! They only care about little Pearl!"

Robin came onto the stage, "The pizza's here-"

"YAY DADDY IS A ZOMBIE!" she ran to Robin and hugged him.

"Raven, I'm not your father. Please go back to your normal age."

"No! It is fun being small!" she started to run, "The Black Man is going to catch mommy and daddy because they cannot keep up with little Pearl!" she ran away laughing.

"Ok, who gave Raven drugs?"

"You're both horrible parents," Slade said, "Neglecting your daughter like that! Shame on you! Go love and nurture the lovely little girl right now!"

"Uh…" Robin and Starfire were both in shock.

"Go catch her and then spend some damn family time with her!"

"But we're not-" Robin began.

"GO CATCH RAVEN AND DO SOME DAMN PARENTING!"

Cyborg: The End.

Beast Boy: This isn't the end! ((pouts)) I didn't get to do the time warp yet! _Let's do the time warp again! It's just a jump to the left-_ (Cyborg pushes him off the stage) NOT FAIR!

A/N: Don't worry, B.B will get to do the time warp. For Halloween I'm posting "Science Fiction Double Feature" it's gonna be a Rocky Horror Picture Show parody and then a Little Shop of Horrors parody! That'll be my last parody for a while, I have a few real fics that'll I'll post… eventually!


End file.
